The Foreground
by DesolateMoondust
Summary: Emily never did make it out of Katie's shadow, nor did she pursue Naomi. But what if Emily was at that bus stop that night for different reasons and it wasn't Thomas she bumped into?
1. Chapter 1

**Premise**: This story is set late into season 3 of Skins, everything is the same except for a few things: Emily never did pursue Naomi, nor did she find the strength to leave Katie's shadow. She does however, embark in a secret relationship, yet they only end up rejecting her. With all of this going on, will Emily finally find the courage to stand up for herself and truly fight to be with the girl she has loved from afar ever since middle school?

**Authors Note: **Not entirely sure if I will continue with this, just an idea that came to me and which I manage to write down. It's entirely from Emily's perspective.

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Skins. M rating for language and such.

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**The Foreground**

Well this was a great idea; leave Imogen's place wearing only half your clothes and no shoes. If that wasn't bad enough, I'm standing at this bloody bus stop waiting for a bus that looks like it will never turn up. It's not like I had much of a choice, really. No, because she gave me no choice, argh. Just focus on the cold, just focus.

Like _hell_ I can focus, I can't stop crying. Why does she keep doing this to me? I'm not her bloody experiment. We've been together unofficially for over a month now, surely that means something? I don't understand why she has to treat me this way? She was the one who hit on me. She was the one who took this relationship to the next level. And now she's changed from being totally interested to totally apathetic; worrying about what people will think, of what her parents will think. Does that mean she doesn't care about what I think then? Why am I always the last one that people think about, why can't I be considered first for once?

I remember how she laid there in bed after we slept together, looking so ashamed. I thought we were going somewhere in this relationship. I just don't understand why she would do this to me, to us? I can feel the tears run down my face again, it's so embarrassing. I'm standing at this bus stop, at night, in the cold, surrounded by strangers who don't give a toss. If it wasn't bad enough, I don't even have my shoes on. I couldn't for the love of me find my goddamn shoes and now that's all I want.

"Emily?" I turn around and see Naomi, which somehow makes this whole thing much worse. I try to quickly wipe away the trail of tears, not wanting to seem like I'm upset.

"Em, where are your shoes?" I exhale softly and force a smile, trying to play this whole thing down.

"Hello." I look on as she just stares at me, observing with obvious concern.

"I couldn't find them." I can't hide the tremble in my voice; the cold is getting to me now. I look away, unable to witness the worry that I know exists, which is saying something for Naomi Campbell. We don't really hang out with each other, at least not alone, even though we belong to the same group. Ever since middle school, and what happened between us, she made sure to keep herself at a distance from me. I thought and even hoped that college would have changed that; I had even tried to communicate with her, but it didn't work. And before I knew it, Imogen was around and showing me attention. It was nice; to be noticed, wanted, appreciated. I just wish it was that way now.

"Well, you can wear mine.."

"No, really, it's fine."

"Emily, your toes are about to drop off, so I'd accept the offer if I were you." She bends down and unties her shoe laces. I feel my jaw shake; my lips quiver pathetically as she steps out of her trainers and places them in front of me. She stands back up and looks at me. Even without the trainers on there's still a height difference between us, she's always been taller than me. I can still remember the time I looked up into her eyes and.. _Argh_, no. Deflecting pain and wishful thinking won't help right me now. I step into them and look into her eyes, which seem rather close now.

"Here, take my coat."

"Naomi."

"I've got loads on anyway, it is Britain after all.." I can sense the discomfort in her tone; she must be doing this because she feels like she has no other option. Which means.. Great, I must look a right state. I look down at myself and notice how my strap on my top is down and my clothes are disheveled, exposing my skin. If I weren't so cold, I'd unfasten my arms from around my body and correct it. If I weren't so emotionally damaged right now, I'd refuse what Naomi was offering and pretend like everything was okay as always – but I'm not. I really am not. I look up as Naomi removes her jacket and places it tentatively around my frame, I pull it close to me and try to feel something, anything other than this cold; this pain. My teeth clatter once again as I stand in front of Naomi, feeling like a fool as my eyes dart from the ground and to Naomi. She flattens her mouth and then bites her bottom lip.

"Better?" The thing with Naomi is that she either ignores or tries to fix things, she doesn't like to talk. This is her way of trying to solve things, but these are only the consequences of my problem, which means the problem still remains. As much as I wish that her surprisingly warm presence would soothe me, I know that it can't - it won't. And yet again I feel the tears well up in my eyes. I dip my head in sorrow, feeling broken.

"What do you do when someone you trust really lets you down, really fucks you over?" I look back to Naomi, and eagerly await an answer, but Naomi just squirms on the spot and lowers her gaze from me. She frowns and contemplates my question.

"I don't know, Emily. Forgive them? But know that they can't really be the same person for you as they were before they hurt you. You just.. Learn to expect it, gets easier in time."

"Does it?" She looks to me and begins to shake her head, lowering her eyes again.

"No.." I exhale profoundly and look up to the sky.

"Has this got to do with Imogen?" I sharply dip my head and look to Naomi, her eyes on me again. She looks wary of me, of what I might say. I thought I was doing a good job of keeping it under wraps, but clearly not.

"How..?"

"It's not hard to see the way you look at her, Emily." She looks down to the pavement and sighs. I wish I had the energy to ask what she means by that, I wish I had the time to even ask, but before I can she has already looked back up at me, her blue eyes hard.

"Don't worry, besides me and Effy, I don't think anyone else can see it."

"Effy?"

"Yeah; all seeing and knowing."

"Ah." I shake on the spot as my eyes roam over Naomi, who seems to be trembling too.

"I've got my bike.. But I can call a taxi for you, if you'd like?" I look around and notice her bike leaned up against the bus stop, how had I not seen that before? I look back to Naomi who is already lifting her bag from the ground and rummaging through it.

"Naomi-"

"It's cold, you're on your own - well, besides the inconsiderate twats at this bus stop, and you're upset. I'm calling a taxi.. I'd walk you home, but I'm fucking cold." She punches in the digits and calls them, as I zone out. I pull the jacket even tighter around me, and immediately smell her scent on it, which causes me to involuntarily close my eyes.

"They'll be here in five.. I'll wait with you." I open my eyes and see Naomi standing there, her eyes firmly on me.

"You don't have to."

"It wasn't a question, Emily." I bite my lip, trying to hold back the sob I feel working its way up through my chest, and demanding dominance over my body until I release it. I choke slightly and then just allow the tears to start falling, unable to stop it now even if I tried. I close my eyes and just feel it, I never knew it could hurt this much. But I suppose when you're continuously rejected, its bound to work up an explosion.

"Em.." I sense Naomi's body move toward me, and before I can even register what it might mean, she has already pressed herself against me and pulled me into her arms. I instantly bury my head into her chest and let out another cry. I step closer to eliminate all distance between us; desperate to feel like my world is not falling apart as I breathe and to just hold onto this moment with Naomi.

And it seems to work, if only for a moment.

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**Thanks for reading!  
**


	2. Chapter 2

**Author's Note: Hello! Wrote this today, so thought I'd upload. Still not sure whether I'll properly continue it, but thanks for the interest anyway! :)**

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She doesn't mention it the next time we see each other, or the next time or even after that. I suppose I shouldn't be surprised, this is Naomi we're talking about; renowned avoidist and all. I guess I'll chalk it up to one of those rare Naomi insights I used to chase up when I was royally smitten with her. I wanted to confirm, only privately, just how she's more than this rough, icy exterior she presents herself to be to the world – and even if I only managed a mere glimpse of it here and there, they were enough; because those were the moments I saw her for who she was, and who she still remains to be.

But that doesn't matter anymore, right? Not when I have Imogen. Well, I _did_ have Imogen, doesn't look that way now though. I'm sitting in the cafeteria watching my sister and Imogen talk animatedly about boys, of all things. Imogen is a good actress when she wants to be, I give her that much. She has Katie convinced at least, but no one can be _that_ straight when they are brought to ecstasy as a result of having sex with a girl. Here was me thinking it meant more than a couple shags, but clearly she's intent on hiding in that wonderful closest of hers. Though when I think about it, I'm one to talk, aren't I?

She hasn't even given me a glance at all this lunchtime. I bury my head down, focusing on my lunch, though I'm not really eating it. I dig the food around with my fork, not feeling an appetite at all.

"Emsy, bitch, you're so deaf." I look up to Katie who is looking at me with her beady eyes. For someone who is related to me, I do detest her with a loathing.

"What?"

"I said we're going to the cinema today, yeah: got us dates, ain't I." She looks proud - so accomplished, its pathetic. Its her version of winning Gold in the Olympics, I'm sure. Securing us 'fit' dates like some matchmaker. How lucky am I to go on a date with some random pubescent boy, and then expected to do god knows what because that's expected of me, right? I shake my head and sigh.

"Dates?" I look around the table, trying to grasp the discussion.

"Bitch, you have _got_ to start listening, yeah. You, me and Imogen are going to the cinema tonight with some well fit guys."

"I don't want to." I barely mutter, looking back down to my food, trying to become invisible once again. I hear Katie scoff at me and shove my shoulder.

"Fuck sake Ems, I don't even know why I try with you, you're so ungrateful."

"Yeah, Ems." That voice, those words, I look up to Imogen who is donning the worst poker-face I have ever seen, but clearly it's convincing enough for Katie. I look around at everyone; the stupid girls Katie hangs out with, who looks so two-dimensional. I then note how Freddie and Cook are chatting at the end, not the least bit interested in our conversation, with JJ looking sturdily down to the table almost religiously, as if praying. I dart my eyes to Panda who is looks sympathetically at me until she stuffs a sandwich into her mouth. My eyes then look to Effy, who, cryptic as ever, is staring at me: her signature smirk in place, as always. Makes it worse now I know from Naomi that she knows about Imogen and I. I sigh and look back down to my food, murmuring.

"I said I'm not interested, Katie."

"Yeah well bitch, you're going. You're my sister and we need the numbers, OK." It's not even a question; she never gives me that option.

"Yeah babes, and anyway, Ryan is your type." I raise my eyes up in disbelief until they settle on Imogen. For a moment she looks in character, completely in the zone, that is until she starts to shrink under my glare. I push my tray away from me and stand up, grabbing my bag.

"Oh yeah, and you would know my type, wouldn't you?" I used to enjoy 'babes' as her little term of endearment, right up until now anyway, because now it just makes my blood run cold. I shoot her one last evil before I shuffle away, trying to ignore the sheer volume emitting from my sister who calls out in protest.

"Fuck off, Katie." I say more to myself as I clamber away. I'm so sick and tired of being here, in this world, where I just don't belong. Everyone is so full of shit. I burst through the exit and exhale heavily, so enraged and goddamn upset. And I hate getting upset over this, I hate that I'm the sort of girl that gets emotional over things, but I can't help it. This is who I am; I feel things in it's entirety. And it's both a blessing and a curse, because it can bring me the most joy, and yet the most heartache.

"For someone so small, you really are strong, you know?" I turn my head sharply to acknowledge Naomi who stands to my left, mainly leaning against the wall, cigarette in hand.

"Yeah well, having a fitness freak dad kind of does that to you." I stand on the spot and just breathe, trying to expel all the negativity from my body. She doesn't judge me, doesn't even question why I'm in this state, she merely takes another drag and exhales slowly, her eyes watching me closely.

"You like it then."

"What?" She smirks slightly before she catches herself, pushing herself away from the wall.

"The coat." I look down at the coat, not following what she's implying. It's a nice coat, not one I would ordinarily go for, but it's big and comfy, especially for this weather. I shrug, pulling the coat further around me with my spare hand.

"You do know it's mine, right?" I look up to Naomi and it suddenly hits me.

"Oh, shit. I totally.. Fuck." I go to take it off quickly, but she just laughs and raises her hand, stopping me.

"It's fine, Emily. Keep it." She takes one last drag and then flicks the dying stick to the floor, not caring to extinguish it.

"It suits you." I look down to the material once again and swear softly under my breath for having not remembered that this is the coat Naomi lent me on that cold dreary night. It registers then that I've actually worn it a few times since without even knowing it's her.

"Thanks.." My eyes find their way up to Naomi once again, who now shuffles on the spot, biting her lip in that enticing way that she does. If only she knew what it does to me. _Did_. What it _did_ to me. Christ. Our eyes connect for a moment, as if daring the other to look away first, and I fall short when the door opens behind me to reveal Katie and Imogen.

"God, you're so dramatic, storming out like that Ems." I turn to Katie and narrow my eyes.

"You're calling _me_ dramatic, Katie?"

"Yeah, I am. You should be grateful for like, what I've done for you. I've set you up with Ryan; you're so annoying, you're lucky that he even wants to spend time with you."

"Yeah, Emily." I dart my eyes between Katie and Imogen, feeling like I'm in some sort of pantomime.

"This is ridiculous." I hear Naomi mutter behind me, as I turn to look at her too: her eyes firmly on Imogen who grimaces slightly under her stare.

"Uh, does it look like we're talking to you, lezzer?"

"Katie!"

"So imaginative with your nicknames, aren't you, Katiekins? You know you should think of a better term for me, _hun_, otherwise people might suss out just how much you actually like me." Katie growls and looks about ready to break Naomi, but is held back by Imogen. I notice how a group of Katie's friends emerge from behind them, their looks full of disdain.

"You sick bitch."

"What's the matter, _schmetterling_? I thought you liked it when we talk dirty?"

"You're disgusting, Campbell."

"Right Lezzer."

"Best get away before she tries to snog us."

"She's a right freak."

"Yeah, you best stay away from us, bitch."

"Come on, Emily, let's go."

"Yeah, you leave my sister alone! She's no lezzer like you." I look to the two people who are supposed to know, understand and love me. I really look at them, and suddenly realise just how much they really don't know me at all. My eyes dart to Naomi who stands there, and who, for the first time, looks so open to me - almost like she will lunge to protect me if I just permit her to. I suppose she has been here for me all of this time, even though I've wanted her closer. I clutch my bag and turn away from them, walking away from the school entirely.

"Fuck sake, Emily! You better get your shit together before our dates tonight."

I practically jog away from the scene, desperate to just get some distance from it all. For a moment I felt it in Naomi's presence, that stillness. It was calm. It was nice. No, it was more than nice. It felt exactly like those times where I would find myself by the lake, completely enthralled by its beauty. It's that sense of belonging of which I crave so much, and which I don't receive in the places that I know I should. At least, the places where others want me to belong. Argh.

Will this ever end?

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**Thanks for reading!**


	3. Chapter 3

**Author's Note: Hello! Just wanna say thank you to those that have left reviews, followed and favourited - 'tis very much appreciated! Keep them coming! :D **

**I would like to reinforce the M rating for this story, as this chapter contains some very strong content. It gets quite violent in nature towards the end, so its only right to warn beforehand. Anywho, on with the story.  
**

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"Thanks for meeting me." I mutter quietly as we stand, my eyes watching her as she neglects to meet my eye.

"Yeah well, you wouldn't stop texting me, Katie was starting to get suspicious." She crosses her leg over, angling her face to the side to watch numerous people walk by.

"Can we sit?"

"No, that wouldn't be wise."

"Why not?"

"Just stop."

"Stop what?"

"You know what."

"This really _is_ ridiculous."

"Emily, don't be like that."

"No, you don't be like that! We slept together not two weeks ago and here you are blanking me out like it meant nothing. You wanted this before I did, Imogen. And you made me want this too. I thought we had something.. I thought you wanted me?" She frowns slightly as she twirls her brunette curls with her finger.

"I thought I did, but.. It's really not want I want anymore. I mean, Katie and.. My parents. Everyone.. It's too much."

"_Too much?_ It wasn't too much when you had my head stuck between your-" She cuts me off by charging towards me, colliding her body with mine with force. Ordinarily it would turn me on, but the way she's looking at me, her green eyes so hateful, it has me feeling a little frightened. She practically towers over me, haunting me.

"Shut up, Emily. Don't you say anything like that again, especially around people." Her eyes dart around the park, clearly worried that people will overhear us.

"Well it's the truth. Too ashamed to be who you are, are we? Too embarrassed to admit you're-" I feel the impact before I see it, hell, before I even hear it. I feel the burn immediately rise on my cheek, and I recoil in horror, looking to Imogen in earnest.

"You shut your fucking mouth, Emily. What happened between us was a mistake. You're nothing but a mistake. It was disgusting. You make me feel disgusting. You turned our friendship into something it's not, you and your ideas… If you so much as breathe this to anyone, I swear, Emily. I fucking swear… You dyke. I will ruin you." She points at me and gestures to hit me again before she steps away from me, turning quickly on her heels to leave the park, leaving me in this state.

So much for talking about what we are.

"I'll see you later with Katie.. And I mean it, Emily, keep it shut." I don't even register her retreating form anymore for the tears are already blurring my view. I sniff a few times in a lame attempt to hold back the sob, but it's futile. I feel it squeeze me, and I allow it. I shudder; cry and bring the jacket further around my shivering form, trying to find some solace in this moment.

I find none.

* * *

"Fuck sake, Ems, you look terrible." I drop my bag near my bed and turn away from my sister, who is sorting through the clothes on her bed, no doubt trying to find an adequate outfit for tonight. It will more than likely consist of leopard print of some sort, knowing her.

"What's up with you? You're so annoying today."

"Nothing." I plonk myself down onto the bed and face the wall, trying to feel something. Anything but numb is preferable.

"Emsy.. What's happened? _Fuck_, what the fuck happened to your face?" I raise my hand to my left cheek, it feels warm, I suppose.

"Don't know." I vaguely recall Katie moving as my eyes turn to look down; I see her kneeling on the floor in front of me. She actually looks concerned.

"Who did this to you.. Was it that lezzer? I'll fucking kill her." She stands up and practically storms out of the room.

"Katie, it wasn't-"

"Yeah right, that bitch is a freak!" She stands by the door, her eyes seething with animosity.

"It wasn't Naomi. I just.. I wasn't paying attention.. I-I walked into a lamppost."

"Fuck sake, Ems, what do you take me for? Some knobhead from the 50's? You have a hand print on your face!"

"Oh. Well, I deserved it anyway, I think."

"Emsy.. You'd tell me if something was wrong, yeah? You'd tell me? I'm just trying to look out for you.. _Fuck_, look at the time, we need to get ready. That's gonna take well ages to clear up. Come on, I'll help."

"Katie.." I bow my head as all my energy drains from me. I feel my shoulders slump and my body incline within itself. I really don't have it in me to go on this date, especially after what happened with Imogen this evening.

"Get up, bitch, we need to get ready." I feel Katie pull me up to my feet, and once again, I feel out of control.

I wish Katie would see me, and not see her reflection. I'm not her. I don't want to be her. I want to be me, Emily. But she won't let me. And as we get dressed, with our outfits almost matching, I believe I will never see the day where I will be separate from my sister. I remember the time I tried to tell her I was gay. In fact there were several times, moments where I felt compelled, uplifted and even happy to, only to be shut down. And then the times where the tears would consume me, and I felt the need to just be honest, to affirm if only to myself that I am who I am, even if she were to deny me – which she did. It was only a handful of times, no more than three, but those times were the most important, and my sister failed me. Failed to _see_ me. It makes me wonder what I have to do to be seen, but more so, I worry what her expression will be when she chooses to finally believe it: because this _is_ a choice for her, but what she neglects to realise, is that this is _not_ a choice for me. I'm Emily and I am gay.

And just for once, I wish someone would be on _my_ side.

* * *

The date isn't actually so bad. I mean, it was awkward at first, but now we are here, sitting down in the theatre and watching some action film together. Ryan isn't what I expected him to be, I suppose I shouldn't presume but I'm only human. He's sweet and considerate, and obviously not like his mates who are currently shoving their tongues down their dates throats. Thank fuck I'm positioned on the end of the row, it does make for a swift exit from this sickfest if it becomes too much.

"Yeah, they're a bit full-on.. Sorry about that." He shifts on the chair and smiles awkwardly at me, his eyes looking between me and the giant screen: the film completely forgotten to the foursome sat across from us. He then turns to me and whispers.

"You know, Emily.. You're a lovely girl but like.. I've heard things." I sigh and wait for it: the verbal abuse, the anger, the jokes, the lot really. He places his hand on top of mine on the arm rest. I stiffen and try to pull away but he frowns, gently holding my hand in place.

"Emily.." He mutters uncertainly, looking to the others to our left who are dead to the world. He turns back to me, his face soft. I'm not sure what to make of this. He removes his hand eventually, seeing that it's not having the desirable effect.

"It's okay, you know.. If those rumours are true. I'm guessing you haven't heard about mine, then…" He looks down slightly and blushes. My brows knot, not exactly following.

"No?"

"I know how it feels.. They're doing the exact same thing for me, trying to _help_, you know? Trying to make it seem like I'm not what I am."

"I don't follow, Ryan.." He sighs and leans over to whisper in my ear.

"I'm gay too." He stays there for a moment and then pulls back, his eyes somehow seeming much softer, lighter than before. Honest. My eyes however progress to those of Katie and Imogen, and theirs are filled with insolence. I see Katie wink at me, clearly thinking that I got some, as Imogen glares at me. She's turning into a right mind-fuck. I turn away and cower slightly, remembering the blow she dealt me earlier today.

"It's okay, Emily. It's okay." He then places his hand back over mine and looks straight ahead, pretending to watch what's playing. I'm torn between ripping my hand away and gripping it back, if only to experience some comfort that I haven't felt in so very long now, at least it feels that way, anyway. I want to believe in his words; I want to believe that it is okay, that all _will_ be okay, but I feel far from it. In fact, I feel like it can only get worse.

* * *

As the night progresses, we find ourselves moving on, from pub to pub, trying out different places. I say we, but I hardly feel a participant in this little pub crawl plan conjured up by my fabulous sister to a) get free drinks and b) get laid. I sigh as I see Katie exit the toilet pub, with her date in tow. She wipes her mouth casually as he follows behind her, zipping up his crummy pants, a grin fixed permanently across his face. I shake my head and look away, staring down at my drink. I pick it up and note how full it is compared to everyone else's; I swoosh it around and take a sip, my tongue having no option but to taste the bitter cider as it ripples down my throat.

"Ems, you should totally dance with Ryan. You know, repay him for treating you and all. Be grateful like." I place my drink back onto the table and look up to see Katie hovering over me, her eyes glazed with mirth. She sways slightly before Dean comes up from behind her and envelopes her waist with his arms, pulling her back into his body. I swear the word 'grateful' must be her new favourite word right now because she's been spouting it about enough times today. Somehow I doubt she even knows the true meaning of the word.

"Fuck sake, Emsy, you're so frigid sometimes." I continue to glare at Katie, who just grins at me as Dean laughs, finding it oh so funny.

"You don't see us being like that, Ems. I mean, look at Imogen and Derek; they're so cute together, aren't they. _She_ doesn't have a problem letting him know how grateful she is for what he's done for her." My eyes trail over to the dance floor, I say dance floor, but it's no more than a few people in the corner just bumping around together. Among the small crowd are Imogen and Derek, who seem to be in a compromising position, lips locked together and bodies entwined. It makes me gag slightly. I force myself to look away and back to the table, noting as I do a few familiar faces in the distance. I immediately look back at the table across the room and notice, that of the people there, Effy is the one staring at me, aware of my presence.

"Emily, are you dumb or something? You should give Ryan a kiss, be grateful."

"Fuck sake, Katie, quit with this 'grateful' crap!"

"Well be it then."

"I am!"

"No you're not." She's right, but I don't have the heart to get into this right here, right now. I look to Ryan who is sitting next to me, looking at something rather intently. I follow his gaze to see a boy no older than us; actually, he seems to go to our college when I think about it. I've seen him around, much like Ryan I suppose. He's looking back at Ryan, and I can see it. I see it in them both, and I can't for the life of me figure out why it's so wrong – why wanting someone is so wrong?

"Ryan?" He turns to look at me, and in that moment I lean over and press my lips against his. It's not romantic, it's not passionate, but it's meaningful in that I want to convey just how meaningless this kiss is. I hear some people cheer, but I ignore them and just remain there, not applying any pressure, yet not removing my lips either. After a solid moment I pull back slightly and lick my lips, my eyes scanning to see if everyone is still paying attention, but fortunately they're not. It's rather funny actually; that after all of the commotion, and finally succumbing to this fruitful act, they just piss off like it was nothing.

I lean close to Ryan again, whose eyes are wide with shock.

"You know what, it's not okay.. Not until we're true to ourselves, because until then, it's not okay to want what we want, even though it is okay. It really is." I see his eyes calm down and finally register what I'm saying. He smiles slightly and nods.

"If I could, I'd totally turn straight for you right now." I laugh at this, and continue to as Ryan joins in. It's nice. It really is, not feeling so alone. Relating to someone.

"Imogen's not looking too happy right now." I frown at what he says and direct my eyes to the crowd, finding Imogen in Derek's embrace, looking on at Ryan and me with such contempt. Yeah, she really is bipolar at this point. She's so hot and cold, and it's giving me a right headache. I exhale softly and turn back to look at Ryan.

"I'm just gonna get some air."

"You want me to come with?" I smile at his offer and shake my head, knowing that I'd really rather just be alone right now. And the thing with Ryan, which so many people don't get, is that he understands me. Even though we hardly know each other, he listens to me. Respects me, and it makes the world of difference.

* * *

I quickly leave the establishment and find myself leaning against the wall. It's quite empty outside now, and as I dip my head backwards to gaze at the night sky, I long to believe in Ryan's words again. I wrap my arms around my body to shelter myself against the cold, regretting the fact that I hadn't drank so much, maybe then I wouldn't feel so cold. Stupid outfit, pointless in this weather, but obviously Katie wouldn't take that into consideration.

"Liked it, did ya." I turn my head to see Imogen stumble from the doorway, her ankles swaying in those heels. She eventually kicks them off on the pavement, disturbing the calm outside. I sigh internally and look away from Imogen.

"Go back inside, Imogen. Don't want to create a scene now, do we."

"Don't you.. Fucking…. Hey, hey! You-you look.. look at me." She's slurring and clearly intoxicated as she invades my space. I exhale heavily and move away from her, walking down the pavement.

"Go back inside."

"Fucking stop, Emily. You think you can-I- fuck. You fucking.." She pulls me by my arm, forcing me to turn back around to face her. Her face is conflicted, but what I see above all else is rage. And I really don't want to stay around to see it materialise.

"Imogen, please.. I'm doing what you asked, okay?"

"N-no, it's not 'okay', its-its fucking.. You fucking slag. Fucking around with.. everyone. Like a.. like…"

"A slag?"

"Yes, a fucking slag." I shake my head and go to walk away again, but she doesn't release me, instead she increases her hold on me.

"Imogen, let me-"

"You think I-you.. Think I.. want you?" She places her other hand on me and pulls me to her. She's actually rather tall, and it's something I always liked about her, I wasn't sure why but I used to. I used to.

"Dyke." I look at her, her face inches from mine as she then presses her harsh lips against mine. I try to push her away, to force myself out of her hold, but she is somehow stronger than I am. After a moment, she finally relents and I manage to put some distance between us, but not before I slap her.

"Really Emily?_ You're_ s-slapping me? F-fucking bitch." It all happens so quickly, how she digs her nails into my skin and pulls me from the spot, and pushes me against a wall, pressing her body against mine. It's callous, absolutely ruthless. Its cold is what it is. And I feel the cold as she drags my dress slightly up, her hands grabbing, her nails imprinting my skin. I hear myself weep, void of feeling, because this body somehow doesn't feel like my own anymore. It's all I can hear as she presses her mouth against my neck. It's chaotic. It's greedy.

"I'll ruin you, y-you _bitch_, for what you done to me." I know it's going to happen, and I don't know how to make it stop. So I listen. I hear my heart pound, I hear the animals in the night, I hear the way she grunts and scratches at my body, I hear the music in the distance, and it all ends in an instant when I hear the pub door slam, and my eyes open wide.

"What the.. Get the _fuck_ away from her." I feel the weight lift from me, and suddenly the cold is welcome; it's something I actually kind of missed. My eyes look around, not really seeing, until I drop them to the ground, noticing a pack of cigarettes and a lighter.

"Litter.. You shouldn't litter."

"What the fuck is wrong with you?" I know that voice, I know that tone - I know _her._ I look up to see Naomi shoving Imogen backwards, until she falls onto the pavement.

"Smoking's bad for you.." Naomi looks up at me then, her eyes wide with rage, but above all else, concern. She looks back to the mess on the ground and then back up to me. She then moves swiftly to me, her arms raised hesitantly until she drops them down to her sides. She settles on lowering her head until we are at eye level.

"Emily, did she hurt you?"

"You really shouldn't smoke.." She sighs softly, her eyes analysing my form. Her jaw clenches when she notices my dress ridden up, tensing slightly until she carefully pulls it down over my legs. She then removes her jacket and places it around me, and it's only then that I realise I'm shivering.

"I-I can't keep taking your coats." She exhales through her nose, her eyes softening briefly to what I say. She tightens it around my frame and continues to look at me with those big blue eyes. I've always adored those eyes.

"Y-You saw nothing, lezzer."

"You're calling _me_ the lezzer?" Naomi turns sharply to look at Imogen who is now on her feet, albeit unsteadily. I can see Naomi tremble, itching to do something, but I reach out and grasp her hand in mine. Somehow it makes things seem better; she doesn't shake so much anymore. Her eyes are on me again.

"I mean it, Campbell, y-you say a word-"

"You'll what? Try and sexually assault me too? You're disgusting."

"It was a mis-s-understanding, wasn't it Ems?" I look down, not knowing what to do or what to say. I just want to go home.

"Jus' forget about it, yeah."

"Are you fucking kidding me?"

"O-otherwise I tell Katie! I meaaan it Emily. Y-you fuckin'.. You're like.. a disease. You need to be put down!"

"I'll put you down, you sick bitch."

"Naoms." Naomi looks back to me and I just shake my head, feeling so drained, so very tired. I notice Imogen collect her heels and then walk away, much to the dismay of Naomi.

"I should call the police."

"No, don't! I just.. I want to forget about it."

"Emily.."

"Please Naomi.. Please." She watches me, still so very worried. I never knew she could even look this way, not that she's heartless, but she's.. She's so full of feeling. She hides away so often that seeing her react this way kind of stuns me, though I'm already stunned for that matter.

"This.. You can't go back to her after this. She's violated you, Ems. You deserve better." I don't really respond, because I don't know what to say, but she must take this as a bad thing, for she then drops my hand and cradles my face ever so gently, as if I will break if I'm held any differently.

"Emily, you asked me what you should do when someone you trust screws you over, well you fucking kick them to the kerb. You leave them. You don't let them hurt you this way, because you're more than this, okay? Emily, you're.. _Christ_. I won't forgive myself if she hurt you."

"She didn't, she didn't." She then draws me forward and unlike before, I'm being overwhelmed in a way that doesn't scare me. I feel her body press softly against me, her hands trailing tentatively up and down my back, trying to soothe me like a mother would their infant. I rest my head against her chest and close my eyes, relishing in this tiny moment before it's stolen from me by thoughts of what's happened tonight. Just knowing that I will have to recount what happened night at some point has me shaking once again, and feeling not quite so numb anymore.

"I want to go home." I feel Naomi nod, her hands now weaving through my locks, trying to comfort me.

"Eff, can you get Katie?" I pull back slightly and realise that Effy is there with her cigarette, leaning against the wall. She looks to me, and even though she doesn't so much as falter, it's the way she continues to stare at me that makes me feel like she knows, that she realises this is bigger than us. She nods and drops her cigarette to the ground, and heads back into the pub. Naomi pulls me back into her warm embrace, her hands delicately touching parts of me that I can only just manage to feel.

"It's okay, Emily. It's okay." I've heard those words before, and somehow, I just knew then what I do now.

Everything is not okay.

* * *

**Thanks for reading!**


	4. Chapter 4

**Author's Note: Hello fellow reader! I'm sorry for such a long wait, just been trying to figure out a direction for this story and think I've got one now. Many thanks to you amazing peeps as always :) Anywho, onwards and upwards - here we go!  
**

* * *

I don't remember much of that night, at least what happened afterwards. What happened with Imogen I can remember with perfect clarity, and it makes me feel overwhelmed. Overwhelmed with hatred and anger and.. fear. So much fear. I completely choked. I froze. And it makes me feel sick every time I think about what would have happened had Naomi not come out for one of her little fag breaks.

Everything was rather hazy afterwards, from being dragged into a taxi by Katie and then stripped naked and put into bed. But I do remember the look she gave me, one full of trepidation when she noticed the marks on my thighs. Yet she said nothing, she just tucked me in and told me to sleep.

"Emsy.." I slowly open my eyes, feeling a migraine already in full force in this overactive brain of mine. I note how Katie is looking at me from her bed, sitting on it, dressed.

"You're gonna be late for college if you don't get up."

"I don't care." She remains there, her eyes watching me, though I'm not sure whether she's actually seeing me.

"Who did that to you, Ems?" I finally lower my eyes, not wanting to get into it, but as ever Katie persists.

"You were just drunk, right? Got too rough with Ryan, right?" I close my eyes and remain silent, not moving, not wanting to participate in this conversation at all. I'm not over it, and I doubt I will process it with Katie around, beckoning me for answers.

"I mean, it was like, consensual and all that shit, yeah? He didn't force-"

"I didn't have sex with Ryan, Katie."

"If you didn't then.. who… Emily, you have-"

"I know."

"Then who?"

"Can we drop it?" I open my eyes and practically beg. She pushes herself off the bed and stands, visibly incensed as she folds her arms.

"It was Campbell, wasn't it? She fucking… I knew it! The fucking lezzer is so-"

"Naomi didn't do anything! She helped-" I stop myself, not wanting to reveal any more information than I need to. Katie's face contorts slightly, contemplating my impulsive admission as she drops her arms.

"She… Emily, what the fuck happened last night? Fuck, what happened _yesterday_? You run off in college and then come home with a slapped face… and then.. Your legs.. Fuck, even your neck!" I place my hand over my neck, not quite understanding what's on it. After a moment she walks over to my bed and stands there.

"Emsy, speak to me." Her voice is low, so vulnerable, and it reaches her eyes. I almost believe that she cares in the way that I want her to, that she can be there for me in the way that I need her to be. But right now, I just want it over with.

"I uh… I got it on with a guy, an older guy…. I just.. Can we forget it? I don't want to hurt Ryan's feelings, you know? He's a good guy. That's all."

"Really, Em?"

"Yes, Katie."

"Emily.. You've never been with-"

"_Please_ Katie."

"No Emsy, I'm worried _okay_! You're so, I mean.. This isn't you. I've tried to get you with guys… You've never been into them and now.. You wouldn't just-I mean, I want you to, and it's good like but.. I don't know, this just feels weird." I push myself up and throw the covers off my body, forcing myself to stand up when I really feel like I have no energy left to give.

"What, me sleeping with a guy? It's what you wanted! It's what you want for me! You want me to be like you, just like you, right? To suck off some random guy in a dingy fucking pub! Well congratulations, I'm exactly what you wanted me to be!" She just looks at me, and for the first time, I really don't know what she's thinking. Her eyes are so exposed, and yet so conflicted. It's a sight I'm not accustomed to with Katie, she's always so forefront about things, but this just remains unidentified.

"Put some clothes on." Before I can even say anything, she's stormed out of the room.

"Emsy love, hurry up! Rob is taking you and Katie to school!" I growl hearing my mum's voice, the last person I want to hear from. I walk into the landing and then straight into the bathroom, the urge to wash and cleanse myself overpowering me as of this moment. I manage to lock the door behind me and make it to the sink but I keel over, my breath growing shallow as I struggle to deal with the array of feeling coursing through me right now. I feel the rush to my head and how intense it gets as it throbs. I lift it and look in the mirror, noting the bags under my eyes having slept for a few hours. I was in and out of consciousness, at best. It's as I turn my head to the shower that I quickly register something on my neck, and as I look back, I notice with shaking hands how my neck is scraped and scratched; the result of Imogen's lovely teeth, no doubt.

I climb into the bathtub and turn on the shower, desperate to wash the dirt away. I know realistically that there's none really, not physically anyway, but as I scrub around my thighs, I feel something grip me so vehemently that my knees immediately buck out and I collapse into the tub. I feel the cold water pelt me as I bring my knees to my chest, hoping that somehow, I can feel warmth again.

* * *

Like usual, Imogen doesn't look at me. She doesn't even speak to me. Not that I'm looking to either. We're in English, and I feel unbelievably tense as I sit next to Katie, with Imogen on the other side of her. My eyes look to the middle of the room, the vast gap providing little comfort until I draw my eyes up and stare into the irises across from me. She hasn't stopped looking at me. I notice how she holds her pen, typically with such agility and grace, but now with such a stern grip I'm sure it will snap if she doesn't ease up. She looks to her left to lock eyes with Effy, who is looking between me and her, trying to gauge what's going on – or maybe to confirm her suspicions, who knows? The mind of Effy Stonem is an isolated one, and I doubt anyone will ever get close enough to truly unravel her deep seated complex nature. Though at times, she's not as mysterious as she likes to think she is, like right now. There's a certain glint in her eye that betrays her, and the way her lips recoil to smirk at me. I can see it, and I'm sure Naomi can as well; you only need to look closely enough to see it. Effy cares. And as I return my attention to Naomi, I notice without hesitation that she cares too. She looks at me with her blue eyes - a different, warmer shade of hue - neither concealing nor limiting just how much she cares, and it makes me feel better. It makes me feel okay, if only for a moment. I just wish that I could prolong the moment somehow.

"Emsy totally got it on with a hunk last night, didn't ya Ems?" Katie elbows me and looks back to Imogen and a few girls who are listening intently to Katie like she's the messiah.

"I mean, Ryan is sweet and all, but he's nothing compared to a real man, you know? And Emsy totally scored with this guy, rich and everything wasn't he babe?" I remain silent and lower my eyes to the table, feeling considerably sick. I feel this upset in my stomach and how my throat burns, restricting me of air.

"Ems, tell them. He was a proper good lay, wasn't he?" I hear something snap and lift my head along with a few other people as we look up to the source, my eyes immediately register the pen I acknowledged before, which is now no longer whole. Naomi puts the pieces onto the table and looks down, her face sombre with thought. Fortunately the bell rings a moment later and relieves me from this nightmare, as I force myself to stand up and bag my things.

"Emily?" I shudder as my fingers flex, dropping my book to the floor when I hear her voice. I feel my body shake as I lean down and pick it up, trying to calm myself down. I hear how everyone is leaving, and I suddenly feel claustrophobic, contemplating being in a room with only her. I can still vaguely remember the time I longed for nothing more than that, but now I yearn for the complete opposite. I shove my book several times into my bag, trying to get it in, rather unsuccessfully because of my trembling hands. I see her out of the corner of my eye as she tries to intervene and 'help', but I quickly place the items onto the table and move away from her, finally facing her as I do. She looks like shit, I'm glad.

"I'm.. I'm so sorry, Emily." I don't say anything, I don't want to say anything and I doubt anything I do say will mean anything at all.

"I was.. drunk and stupid. And I just.. I can't believe I- I mean." She tries to reach out, but I back away again. My head immediately shoots across the room when I hear her voice.

"Don't fucking touch her." And just like that the room suddenly seems bigger, brighter, and not so small. She remains at her table across the room, just watching us, her face stern.

"Campbell, this really doesn't concern you."

"I believe it does when I'm a witness. And do you really think I'm gonna leave you alone with her after what you did?"

"This really has nothing to do with you, Naomi.. Just leave. You shouldn't have been involved in that, yeah. But this is between Emily and I."

"It's _'_me, between Emily and _me.'_"

"Just leave."

"What? Don't like an audience? Is it a no-goer? Or do you only like to sexually assault girls while outside a working premise?"

"Emily, please.. I am sorry." I look to Imogen and see how sorry she is, at least how she's portraying her guilt, that is. I have no idea whether she really is. This past month has been hell for me.

"Imogen, just go.. Please."

"Please forgive me, Emily.. I'm sorry." I bow my head, not wanting to engage in this conversation anymore. She goes to place her hand on me but thinks better of it, and stops.

"Will you at least not contact the police..?" She turns her head to look at Naomi before she continues.

"I know I deserve all I get. I know I've been horrible. But I've been so confused-"

"This is bollocks. Don't listen to this crap. It's no excuse-"

"And you're right, it's not! But please, please don't tell anyone. I mean, nothing _actually_ happened."

"Are you kidding me? The intent was there, had I not come out when I did you would of.. _Christ_. Emily, you can't let her get away with this."

"Please leave, Imogen." I mutter softly, not wanting her around anymore. It still makes me feel nauseous, and I feel dizzy already with all of this conversation. I feel the haze descend all over me, making this migraine feels like its cracking my head open.

"But you won't tell anyone, will you?" I take a moment to breathe and finally nod my head slightly. I hear Naomi scoff and push her chair back against the wall.

"You can't be serious, Emily? You're stronger than this. You're _better_ than this. You know what she was going to do. You know where it was going to go. You can't let her get away with this. Please?" I lift my head up and notice how tense Naomi is, how painfully erect she stands, her eyes boring into mine with such earnest.

"Just go, Imogen." She finally concedes and grabs her bag, exiting the room. She closes the door behind her, leaving Naomi and me in the room, alone.

"You're seriously gonna let her get away with this, Emily?"

"She's fucked up."

"Yes, she is! This is why you need to-"

"It didn't happen, Naomi, so just drop it." She looks at me as if I'm crazy; I suppose I am in a sense.

"Emily.." She moves around the desks and finds her way before me, her eyes never once leaving mine.

"Please.. She could of." She stops to lick her lips and compose herself, her eyes flash with resolve.

"She was going to rape you-"

"-but she didn't. It's not that simple. We.. I mean…" I raise my hands to my temples, trying to rub away the tension.

"If you don't report this, then I will." It's so soft, so tender, not even a request. Just a fact.

"You're always protecting me, you know.." She frowns at this as I pick up the coat from the chair, extending it to her. She gingerly grabs it and looks at it before sighing and handing it back to me.

"Keep it; you practically own my entire wardrobe anyway." I pull it close to me and hold it. Somehow it feels like one of those favourite blankets that you must have with you at all times.

"I know this is not ideal, but I really just want to forget about it now. Clearly Imogen and I are over. And I just want to forget it ever happened. Please Naomi, please?" I watch her as she at least contemplates my words, her face exhibiting the internal struggle with what I am asking.

"Please, Naomi."

"I don't like this."

"You don't have to." She sighs and drops her gaze to the floor, her eyes lifting slightly to look at the coat I'm clutching.

"This goes against everything I believe in, Emily. I feel sick knowing this. I feel even worse knowing this could have happened to you…" She looks back up and exhales deeply. We continue to stare at one another until I see it, I watch her surrender, I see it in her eyes as a part of her vanquishes.

"Alright." I smile slightly, and it's probably the first genuine smile that reaches my eyes today. She sighs once again and watches me, her eyes softening with every moment she stands before me. I don't like how hard her eyes can be, or how her face twists like that. I raise one hand from the coat and place my index finger on her forehead, trailing it horizontally.

"You shouldn't frown so much, you'll get wrinkles." She smiles a little at this, almost bashfully as I continue to act like I'm flattening out her marks: non-exist ones that even if they did exist I would cherish and never banish. Her eyes are a vivid blue that just compels me to move forward, desiring to get a closer look. It's then that the coat slips through my hand and falls to the floor, which distracts me as Naomi hastily steps away from my touch. I go to speak but am cut off when the door swings open, and a swarm of students enter, forcing an abrupt end to this moment entirely. I sigh and pick up the coat, and then force my book successfully this time into my bag and pick it up. I turn to address Naomi once I'm done but she's already gone. I sigh and put on the coat.

Suddenly it doesn't feel so comforting after all.

* * *

**Just a quick shout out to Tiffythetitan: I completely agree with you in regards to Imogen, and thankfully I do not know someone like her! She's a right piece of work. I sincerely hope you don't know someone like her either?! :O Anywho, thanks for the continual support :) P.s. Naomi is always lovely :D  
**

**Thanks for reading everyone and I hope to update much sooner this time!**


	5. Chapter 5

**Authors Note: Why hello there! Before I start, I just want to thank those who read, review, follow and whatnot. So thank you. Really, thank you. Gives me such motivation to write, and it seems that this chapter is the longest I've written so far for this story, so enjoy!**

* * *

"Emilio man, where you been?" He trotters down the busy hallway, not caring as he collides with people and leans against the lockers, staring at me.

"What do you mean, I'm here?"

"Not what a birdies told me, 'eard ya finally got some cock. So how about it princess? Ya up for a willy-waggle with the Cookie Monster now, 'bout time we make each feel alright?" I close my locker in disgust when he thrusts his hips twice for emphasis; his notorious Cheshire grin intact.

"Fuck sake Cook, no. I don't want to fuck you."

"But you fuck some random? I'm disappointed, babes."

"I didn't _fuck_ anyone."

"Not what I've 'eard from Katiekins; told every person with a pulse, babe. She gotta right mouth on 'er that one." I feel my fingers curl until they form into fists as I watch him. He pushes himself away from the lockers, playing with his stupid suspenders as he chuckles like a kid.

"Looks like I'm hittin' on the wrong twin." Fuck sake. I shake my head in repulsion and grab my things, leaving an idiot in my wake. It's only as I go to pass Freddie by his locker that I find myself momentarily stopping, noticing a few boys staring at me as I go.

"He can be a bit much." I look to Freddie, returning to reality, blinking. I scoff as I feel the familiar loathing course through me.

"You don't say."

"Yeah, sorry about that." I exhale deeply and unclench my fists, trying to relax my body. I don't know why he annoys me so much, he's just so vile. I turn my head to look back at him and notice Naomi now standing with him, laughing at something Cook said. Now I know why.

"He's misunderstood."

"He's a dick."

"That too, but he ain't what you think, either. He's not all shit, you know."

"Who are you trying to convince here?"

"Both, maybe." He smiles at me then, but it doesn't reach his eyes. He looks so defeated that I just end up feeling sorry for him, I mean; it can't be easy being best friends with someone like Cook. I give Freddie an awkward pat on the arm because I can't quite reach his shoulder without it looking odd, but he appreciates the sentiment all the same. I give Naomi one last glance and head out, thankful that I have no more lessons. I ignore the glances from gullible students and head out, sighing to myself. This has been the longest day of my life and I just want to get home and be on my own.

* * *

Time goes by, and it's good. Days turn to weeks and I start to feel more like myself again, at least a little since what happened with Imogen. The silly whispering and looks from people die down when new gossip circulates, leaving me to return to my shadows. I wasn't too bothered about it, to be honest. I pretty much gave Katie the ammunition, and I expected her to use it. Hearsay doesn't affect me. The truth however, that's another thing entirely.

Naomi's been sending me messages here and there, and it's been nice. It really has been. I'm just not sure if it's because she feels compelled to because of the situation or because she wants to communicate with me. A part of me thinks the former, and I can't quite extinguish that voice inside of my head that rallies on; spouting how she sees me as victim, and that she's only around because she _has_ to be, not because she _wants_ to be.

"We're going out tonight." I sigh and look up, returning to the present. It's Wednesday and I realise I've just been sitting on my bed, staring off into space for ages. I look to see Katie as she moves sporadically through the room, lingering near the wardrobe for far too long before she places several clothes onto the bed.

"Bitch get up, we have to get ready. We're meeting the girls in a couple hours." That's one group I've been avoiding since forever, but with another reason now – Imogen. Fortunately she's been compliant enough to respect my wishes and stay out of my way; otherwise it would a different story at present. It doesn't mean I've forgiven her though, because it still weighs heavy on my mind every now and then, lurking in the shadows to disrupt me when I'm feeling okay. She was the first person I allowed myself to be with, physically and emotionally. I laid myself bare to her and she treated me this way, kind of harrowing, but I'm managing – I have to.

"I think I'm gonna stay in tonight."

"Fuck sake, don't be a mong, Ems."

"I don't feel like going out, Katie, it's that simple."

"Well you're coming out, no sister of mine is gonna be sacked in at home at night reading boring books and listening to shitty emo music."

"I'm not _yours_, Katie!"

"What? You're my sister."

"But I'm not _yours_, you don't _own_ me! We're supposed to be equal!"

"Oh for fuck sake, are you pmsing or something?"

"For once I wish you would listen to me."

"I listen to you plenty, blabla this, blabla that. You never shut up." I push myself up on the bed, mouth slightly agape as I look at my sister incredulity.

"No, Katie, that's you."

"God, you can be such a bitch sometimes. Now stop fannying about, let's figure out what we're gonna wear tonight, okay?"

* * *

I hate going out with Katie and 'the girls', I used to revel in it because I would sneak glances with Imogen and flirt when given the chance. Those moments were my saving grace; they made me feel confident and comfortable, but now.. Now it's become a mockery of what once was. As we approach the silly queue, I can see them on the end, Matilda, Hannah, Amy and Imogen. And it makes me miss the times I spent with the gang, even if it does include Cook, because it was always fun with no great expectations. Those were the days when Katie was actually interested in hanging with them. Somehow over the course of a few weeks it's been less and less, and more time spent getting into clubs with illegal ID's, getting drunk on the dance floor and looking for rich or good looking guys to shag. I'm usually invited to be kept around and used as a chaperone. What fun times they are for me.

"Hey dirty bitches, look what I have on." I roll my eyes as I come to a stop by Katie who proceeds to twirl and show them her dress and shoes. I block out their incessant chatter and allow my eyes to roam the queue, already bored out of my skull.

"Hey Ems, you look good." I stiffen at the statement, darting my eyes to the perpetrator. She at least has the grace to grimace slightly under my gaze, looking quickly to the others and then back to me.

"I was hoping we could talk?"

"No, I don't think that's a good idea." I say making sure to bring my cardigan around my chest, folding my arms as I look to her, determined not to fall apart. Her eyes look between me and the gang, probably not wanting to draw attention to our little conversation. She licks her lips and steps closer to me, which forces me to take a step back. She visibly deflates.

"This isn't easy for me, Ems." I feel my body tense yet again at the mention of 'Ems', purely because I hate how she can behave so warm and cold, acting as if she's done nothing wrong; like what she'd done was a minor error that can be worked on. It makes me feel frozen.

"Are you cold? I can-"

"No, I just don't want to talk to you, Imogen. I don't want anything to do with you." She looks to the group who are preoccupied, gossiping like school girls – I guess they are in a sense. She then gestures for us to step out of the queue and to a quieter spot, but I remain on the spot, not daring to move. I can already feel my body reacting; the dread of what it could lead to if I go somewhere with Imogen, without eyes to see. It's a daunting and scary thought.

"I don't believe that.." She whispers to me, moving once again. I take another step back and realise with a certain crippling fear that there is now a considerable gap from them and us, causing my breathing pattern to grow erratic. I'm on the verge of having a panic attack, I swear. I feel like I'm back in that classroom with Imogen, yet I no longer have my safety net - she can't protect me now. Instead I'm here on my own with Imogen and I'm conflicted as hell. And I know she was drunk the night it happened, but it doesn't make it any easier or any less real.

"I know what it- _us_, meant to you, Ems. And even though I wasn't a virgin, it meant something to me too. I know I acted the wrong way-"

"I don't want to hear this."

"Please Emily-"

"No. No you don't get to fucking do this to me. _You_ did this to us, Imogen. You wrecked us. You destroyed whatever we were when you.. I can't do this. I can't.. Fuck." I turn away from her, feeling sick.

"Emily."

"Don't touch me! I mean it, Imogen. Fucking leave me alone! You've fucked me around too much and I can't trust you - I _don't_ trust you. Not when you hurt me like that. And I won't stick around for you to try it on again, or persuade me or guilt me or whatever."

"Em.."

"I think I could have loved you, I think a part of me did, but you ruined it. You violated me. And I really don't know why I haven't gone to the police, because right now, it's all I want to do. I just want this over."

"Okay, okay! Fucking hell. Okay. I get it. I.. I'm sorry. I'm _sorry_. I'll stop. I'll… just ignore how I feel and leave you alone so you can be happy."

"Don't play the martyr here. You did this. You fucked things up. Had this happened to anyone else you'd be charged right now. You're just lucky that I've more heart than you ever will." I turn on my heels then, noticing that Katie and the girls are walking on over, confusion written all over their faces. I can't stay now that this little episode has happened.

I leave with the image of Imogen's face in my head; one full of remorse and regret, yet it can never be enough to rectify the situation – she's a fool to have even tried to. As I leave, feeling much better than I have in ages for finally voicing my mind, I receive a message. I debate whether to look at my phone, but in the end I do and I'm glad because it turns out to not be from any of them, but from Effy:

_Party at mine, come now_

I think about going home, feeling rather drained from the confrontation, but I decide against it as I'm already out – might as well. Why the fuck not, especially with a group of misfits that actually seem to like _and_ get me.

"Emily! Emily, come back!" I freeze slightly, feeling my momentum slowly slip from me, until I realise its just Katie running along the pavement in her ridiculously high heels. I stop and listen as they impact the ground, clicking loudly in the dead of night until she reaches me.

"Christ, you can run." She puffs slightly, moving to face me.

"I wasn't running."

"Yeah well, you're practically Usain Bolt in those flats compared to me and these babies." She shows off her leopard print heels, a smug grin plastered to her face. I know she's saved up for a while to get them, but seriously, they're fucking ugly.

"What do you want, Katie?"

"What the fuck was that back there? We were nearly at the front of the queue and you just fucking exploded at Imogen, and now you're pissing off."

"Yeah well, they're _your_ friends."

"You're pissing off to be with them, aren't you?" It's the way her voice dips rather low that stops me from biting back.

"Yes."

"Well, I'll come too.."

"Katie.."

"I got a text too, bitch, so don't act like I'm gonna cause a riot. And well.. These fucking heels kill already."

"You only just got them."

"Yeah, but they're not in my size, fucking store only had the size smaller than me." She says squeezing the shoes off her feet, cursing as she does.

"And you bought them anyway?"

"Are you fucking blind? Its leopard print, Ems. Like I'm gonna pass up on that opportunity, they're beautiful. And they were on sale. I wouldn't expect you to understand with all your shoes being flats, proper lezzer shoes those converse."

"Fucking hell, Katie." I snicker slightly as we walk down the pavement, feeling less stressed than before.

"Ems?" I can tell by how whiny her voice is that she's going to ask for me to do something, and I can already tell that I'm not going to like it.

"What?"

"Give us your shoes."

"Fuck off, get your own."

"You don't expect me to walk bare foot now, do ya?"

"Oh, but it's okay if I do?"

"Pleaseee Emsy. My feet fucking cane and they're already getting dirty."

"Oh for fuck sakes, here." I step out of my shoes and watch as she immediately steps into them. She then unceremoniously shoves the heels into my arms and walks down the pavement.

"Hurry the fuck up, would ya. The good booze won't last forever."

* * *

This was not the party I was expecting, at least that's what Katie must be thinking. It's just the gang, and they're sat in the lounge drinking leisurely, with a spliff being passed around regularly.

"_This_ is what you call a party? I've missed out on a club with free drinks and potential hot shag for this?" She stands in the doorway, glaring at anyone that dares meet her eye.

"Nice shoes, Katiekins."

"Oh shut up, lezzer. You're just jealous with your piss poor Oxfam flats." I roll my eyes, dropping Katie's heels on the floor without much consideration as I flop onto the couch next to Effy. Naomi shuffles on the floor to where the heels are and snickers as she picks one up, studying it before dropping it.

"Fucking hell, be careful would ya! Those cost me more than your shoe collection combined."

"I've seen it all now, Pat 2.0"

"Who the fuck is Pat?" It takes me a moment to realise who she's referring to, and when it hits me, I can't refrain from giggling.

"Seriously, who is Pat?"

"You might know her, goes by the name Butcher; she must be from the same assemblage as you, actually. Big on ugg boots, flashy earrings and your beloved leopard print." I look around to see the reaction, noting how Effy smirks at Naomi, and Cook laughs hysterically. It's only JJ and Freddie who seem to be just as clueless as Katie. I decide to end her misery, holding back a laugh of my own.

"The character from Eastenders, Katie."

"Eastenders, who watches that shit anymore? That-wait, Pat as in.. Oh you didn't just fucking call me, Pat, you cow! That's not even funny."

"To you, maybe." I see Katie take a step towards Naomi with a face like thunder. She's about to blow, but just as I think the worst is about to happen, I see Panda waltz in with Thomas, a wide smile across her face.

"Look who's here! It's Thomas! Now we can start my game! I've been waiting all day, this is gonna be super-duper fun!" She enters the room, one hand pulling Thomas by the wrist and one hand holding a tray full of.. Cupcakes.

"Aw babes, nice one!"

"No!" She slaps Cook's hand away from the cupcakes, making him smooth out the mark that he now bares, frowning slightly. He collapses down onto the floor next to Naomi, who passes him the spliff.

"Come on everyone, sit down on the floor! Come onnn, let's play. Its gonna be so blooming exciting." We all rather reluctantly slip down to the floor as she pushes everything away, making us sit in a circle. She places the cupcakes in the middle and smiles at them – literally - just smiles at them for a good moment.

"Okie-dokey, these are the rules, we need a coin-"

"I have a coin!" We all look to JJ as he produces a coin, flipping it a couple times before he hands it to Panda who smiles brightly at JJ.

"Thank you!-Oh, it has tails both sides, JJ." Her face falls as she flips the coin back and forth.

"Oh, that must be a faulty coin.." He says bowing his head and taking it back, shoving the coin into his pocket.

"Here." Effy leans over and gives her a two pence coin, which Panda checks and smiles broadly at.

"Yay, yes! Its finally happening." She says with her eyes now on Thomas who looks back at Panda rather bashfully. It's cute.

"If the coin lands on heads then you have to eat a cupcake. If it lands on tails you have to kiss the person next to you." She says making sure to look directly at Thomas who is sat next to her.

"Not to shit on your game Panda-pops, but it sucks." Panda looks down upon hearing Cook's comment, sucked of the enthusiasm she embodied mere moments before.

"Then let's make it interesting." Collectively we look to Effy then, who looks at the cupcakes with an amused expression on her face.

* * *

"How about a sort of 'I've never/true or false', where someone says 'I've never' and we call it. Those who get it wrong will have to eat a cupcake, and whoever finishes last, has to drink a shot."

"That's equally shit, man." Cook says to Freddie who merely shrugs.

"You got a better idea?"

"Yeah, let's all just eat cupcakes, drink and 'ave sex." He says wriggling his brows at us girls.

"Fuck it: I've never gotten a tattoo?" Everyone looks to Katie who simply glowers at everyone.

"I want to get drunk, alright? So stop fucking about and tell me what you think, truth or lie?" A chorus of truths/lies are uttered, which makes me smile as I know the answer, and thus do not have to eat a cupcake.

"There's no way you're inked, babes, you don't have a tattoo." Cook says, eyeing Katie up, whom merely slips of the converse and shows the flower tattoo on her foot. Effy smirks at Cook who just ends up smiling at Katie, resigning to his fate as she slides the shoe back on.

"You've been holding out on me, Katiekins. I knew there was a filfthy lioness beneath those quality knockers of yours just dying to get out." He then howls loudly, which causes Freddie and JJ to join in. I frown, trying to understand what the fuck he's talking about before I look around the circle and see Naomi scoff, staring at the cupcakes with disdain. It doesn't take a genius to figure out what she guessed.

"Those cupcakes won't eat themselves." She looks up then and rolls her eyes at me.

"Har-har. What are they anyway?" She looks to Panda who shrugs.

"I don't know, but they look super-duper pretty aren't they!" She says, picking up a cupcake with thick pink icing and sparkles.

"Panda, you called lie." She ignores me as she bites into the cupcake, her eyes looking around the room at the faces of those that watch with amusement.

"What? I called dibs." Laughter ensures, but the atmosphere is anything but exciting.

"Fuck this is shit, let's go back to basics."

"Basics?"

"Yeah, spin the fucking bottle!" Cooks says getting up and dragging all of the visible alcohol bottles to the circle.

"When you spin, you both 'ave to kiss and down a shots worth, comprende?" He eyes the four bottles, specifically the near empty Vodka bottle and decides to pick it up and down it in quick succession. He then howls and places it in the middle, making sure to move the other bottles and cupcakes out of the way. I barely get enough time to evaluate a few bottles, noting the Schnapps and what seems to be dark Rum.

"Get to choose what ya wanna drink 'ere, yeah. I'm first." I bet we all systematically roll our eyes at this, as we see him move forward on his knees and spin the empty bottle. We all focus on the bottle as it turns.

Until it lands on Panda.

"Oh rar rar.."

"Panda-pops! Bet ya taste as sweet as-"

"No talking, Cookie." She says quickly, her eyes looking to Thomas as she grudgingly moves over to Cook. Cook makes the most of it, trying to make it an open kiss with tongue, which makes Panda retreat, wiping her mouth as she goes.

"Knew you'd taste fucking ace, babes. Though there's one princess I'd like to 'ave if the bottle permits. Why don't ya turn this frog into a Prince, Naomikins?" He says looking across at Naomi. I feel the jealousy course through me then until I see Naomi raise her hand, using her middle finger to renounce his offer and abandon the subject. This only serves to encourage Cook though as he brings the bottle of dark Rum up to his mouth, taking a good swig of the liquid before he darts his tongue in and out of the opening. I turn away from this visual, appalled.

"Gross."

"You're telling me." I look to Naomi who seems equally repulsed.

"Hey Cook, you couldn't make me feel alright if you stapled your tongue to my clit and stood on a cement mixer." The laughs that erupt immediately from Naomi's remark strips any negativity from the room that may have been building and make everything seem better, lighter. It's nice. Effy picks up a remote, turning on some music to fill up the background I suppose as we carry on.

* * *

"Bloody hell; let's get it over with JJ." I can't hold back the snicker as we watch Freddie kiss JJ on the lips, quickly and half-heartedly. JJ swiftly picks up a bottle and downs a significant portion of drink, surfacing only when oxygen becomes an issue.

"Much better." He says putting the bottle down, looking around the room with a slight glaze in his eyes. I must daze off too thanks to the drink and spliff, because I'm brought out of my thoughts when I hear several enthused cheers erupt in the room. I look to the bottle on the floor to see it aimed at me, and hastily look up to see who it belongs to. I instantly look to Naomi, and its wishful thinking really but I can't help myself. Yet I know the second I do though, I can tell it wasn't her move. She's looking down to the floor, her eyes clearly watching me, be it peripherally. With an inward sigh I try to ascertain who I have to kiss and suddenly realise its Effy when the boys keep looking expectantly between us.

"This should be fun." She says with a slight smirk, straightening her stature as she watches me. I can't help but look back to Naomi. She doesn't seem pleased about it; actually, she's clutching one of the bottles, peeling off the label. She eventually meets my eye but only to drop her gaze back to the floor, lifting the drink to her lips and taking a big swig from it.

"Fitch." I turn to Effy then, who swiftly leans over and catches me off-guard, pressing her lips against mine. I barely register it until she adds pressure, which makes me realise my eyes are still open and I'm being unresponsive. It takes me a second to close them and kiss back, hearing the noise from the group as I do. The kiss, though pleasant, does nothing for me.

After a beat Effy pulls back and sits back down onto her knees again, bringing a bottle to her lips, smirking. I follow her gaze to find it rest on Naomi, who looks back to Effy, seeming impassive as ever. I look between the two until Katie thrusts a bottle into my hands.

"That was gross, Ems." I bring the Peach Schnapps to my lips and take a sip, feeling the burn, but this burn centres in my heart as I settle my eyes on Naomi, watching her as she takes another gulp of alcohol. These kinds of games never end well for me; I never get what I want. I can hear the melody of The xx song in the background, which has me feeling out of sorts:

"_Fiction_

_When we're not together_

_Mistaken for a vision_

_Something of my own creation_

_An uncertain haze_

_How am I to tell_

_I know your face all too well_

_Still I wake up alone_

_Fiction_

_When we're not together"_

I decide to play my hand just this once, if only to be proven wrong. So I place the bottle down to my side, and reach out and swing the bottle in the middle. Everyone watches it as it turns, swirling round. My heart beat increases as the speed slows, coming to a gradual stop – the point of the bottle aiming at a pair of blue eyes.

"Fuck sake, Ems, not again." Katie whines, picking up the bottle beside me to drink a mouthful. I shake my head in disbelief as I look to Effy, who seems genuinely surprised too, but remains sly nevertheless. I push myself to my feet, stumbling slightly, not wanting to play anymore.

"I'm done." I leave the lounge, receiving a chorus of boos and awws as I go, which do nothing to deter me from leaving whatsoever. I can't stand to see the look on Naomi's face again, hell, to even feel the same look on my own. I make it to the kitchen and find myself holding onto the counter for support.

"She was that bad, eh?" I turn around cautiously and lean against the counter as I see Naomi dither near the doorway. I remain silent as she slowly enters, her eyes looking to me and then the floor; she actually looks nervous.

"Could have kissed her again, you know?"

"Didn't want to." They were not the pair of blues I wanted the bottle to rest on.

"How've you been? I know I haven't really been around, not known really what to do.."

"It's okay.. I saw Imogen tonight." She looks up at me then, seeming quite bothered by this gathered by the frown forming on her face.

"I mean, she was there with the others when we got there.. She tried to talk to me, but-" I stop when she approaches me quickly, my eyes watching her as she stands in front of me, her eyes observing me closely. She tries to speak, but no words follow. Instead she brings her arms up and rests her hands awkwardly on my shoulders.

"Are you okay? She didn't.. I mean? Fuck, I knew I should have reported it."

"No, Naomi. It's okay, really. It actually just cemented the end, really. She won't bother me anymore." I feel another pair of eyes on me and look to the hallway, noticing Effy watching from a distance. She smirks at me, nods her head and returns to the lounge before I can even do anything about it. I space out somewhat, trying to think, which must cause Naomi to worry.

"But you'll tell me, right, if she does?" She seems so concentrated and invested as I look back to her, as if what happens to me actually matters to her. After a moment I feel Naomi remove her hands from my shoulders, which makes me look away feeling sad at the loss. But it's only temporary until I feel her body close to mine, her arms wrapping tentatively around me. I push away from the counter and make sure to eliminate the remaining distance between us, bringing my arms around her midsection to hold on firmly. I can't help but nestle my face into her shoulder, smiling as I inhale and exhale with wonder. She's so close, and it's so fucking wonderful that I feel my body just relax entirely. And I don't even think the spliff and alcohol has anything to do with it, it's simply Naomi. She's my own personal substance-free muscle relaxant.

And it doesn't hurt that she feels good too.

* * *

**Thanks for reading! If anyone's wondering about the song, its called Fiction by The xx. Catch ya later!**


	6. Chapter 6

Here we go again.

I can't stop replaying last night over and over in my head, not because of the drink, action or even the cupcakes – but because of a certain peroxide blonde who sought me out in the middle of a party, to speak to me and initiate a hug. Naomi Campbell wanted to speak to me _and_ give me a hug. I had to breathe her in and hold her that little bit tighter just to make sure I wasn't hallucinating the entire thing. But I didn't, it happened, and we held on to each other for a good couple minutes. I could actually hear and feel her heart beat. I can't even fucking stop from smiling just at the memory of it. It was like a perfect fit, even if she is tall and I'm on the small side. We fit right. And I know in my heart that when I was with Imogen, in a very physical capacity, there seemed to be an absence of sorts.

It was only when I kissed Effy, and when I thought about it much later that night, that I realised I had felt that way before while with Imogen, only with a little bit of feeling. But the feeling was nowhere near the magnitude of what I experienced with Naomi just by holding her. With Imogen, I built myself up, I felt more myself than I have ever before. I chose to lose my virginity to her because she was making me feel so good about me, and it did feel amazing. She opened up a world to me that I will never learn to regret, even with the consequences of that night at the pub. Only because I know that I would have remained the painfully shy, fearful, and inexperienced girl had I not chose to be with someone who at the time was worthy. But right? Nothing has ever felt so right before than when I am with Naomi. It makes me wonder what we could have been had I tried harder, had she tried harder for me too. But we can't wallow on stuff like that now, not when we're in this place. And it's a good place. It's a _right_ place to be, even if what brought us together was most certainly wrong.

Shoving my books away into my bag, I walk from my last lesson and leave the college along with the flow of other students. It's as I descend down the steps that I notice a figure walk in line with me.

"Last night."

"Last night?" I look to her and inquire, but when she doesn't continue, I merely exhale with exhaustion and adjust the strap on my shoulder, not having the heart to even partake in this conversation. The truth is so much happened last night that I don't even know if I could guess the right answer, but I do know that she's not referring to our kiss. She must sense my fatigue as we walk, lighting up a smoke as we go. I steal a few glances, not sure as to why she's actually walking with me.

I eventually stop my movement a good distance from the college and look at Effy, who in turn comes to a halt. Her blue eyes watch me; the embodiment of a magnifying glass delving into parts of me that I wish would remain unseen. I fold my arms over my chest and stare right back, watching as she exhales smoke.

"Come back to mine." It's not even a question.

"What?" I can't help but be curious as to what she's up to, as she has always been aware of the undercurrent between Naomi and me, especially when we were in the kitchen last night. But when she demands things like this, I really don't know what's motivating her or what her game is.

"Not like you have anywhere else to go." She offers me the cigarette, which I internally debate not taking for a moment, before I eventually accept. She smirks at me and continues walking, taking out another smoke. Well, this should be fun.

* * *

A few mouthfuls of Vodka and spliff in and things are better, calmer. As I look around Effy's room, I see a couple of pictures on her wall above her dresser, which has me to my feet and inspecting in a matter of seconds. There are only three pictures, but they seem relevant – I mean, they must be in order to be showcased in Effy's room. The first one is with a group of teenagers about our age, but Effy looks young in it, which means this must have been a few years back at least. It makes me wonder where they are now, and whether she still keeps in contact with them. My eyes are then drawn to the one next to it of a guy and Effy, who are rather close – they look alike actually, with similar eyes. Oh, it's her brother! He's in the first picture too, so it makes sense. And the last one, which surprises me, is of the gang of us from college. It was taken at least several months ago on a night out, at least in the early stages of one as we're at the Fishponds Tavern. We're all so happy, with Panda looking at Thomas all gleeful and JJ embraced by Cook and Freddie. Effy is actually smiling with Katie and me, such a seldom sight that is.

And then there's Naomi, donning a small smile. It may be small, but it's genuine, and it reaches her eyes. Her sparkling eyes which are… It takes me a moment to realise that she's actually looking at me. I drop my gaze, feeling the butterflies erupt in my stomach at the thought. I take a step back and look to Effy, who is staring at me with that knowing look, which only serves to make me feel even more; my neck and checks burning up as I dip my head. I walk back to the bed and reach out.

"Give us the bottle." She happily complies and extends the Vodka to me as I quickly take a gulp, inwardly cursing the bitter taste, but welcoming it all the same. It all happens so quickly then; the creaking of the stairs, the door opening, leading up to the voice that follows.

"Hey Eff, got your text-what, what's this?" She stands there at the doorway with her ridiculously large bag, arms folded, and wearing a scowl that could bring an entire town to ruin. And yet I swear she is still the most beautiful thing to ever exist.

"What the fuck is this?"

"Lighten up, Campbell, it's a party." I turn to Effy whose voice could not sound any less flat, and proceed to smirk with mirth. I look back to Naomi who remains standing at the doorway, looking incredulous.

"Yeah _Campbell_, lighten up and drink up." I say stepping forward and pushing the bottle ungracefully into her arms. She looks between the two of us, still unimpressed, until she sighs exasperatedly and drops her bag to the floor.

"Fuck it."

* * *

"No no, what's frustrating is trying to explain to Katie that Frankenstein is _not_ the Monster. She got so bored of reading the summary on Wikipedia that she gave up and tried searching YouTube for the film instead." I can't help the smile that tugs on the corner of my mouth when she chuckles softly at this, muttering 'typical' softly under her breath. I watch as she gulps down the Vodka and then places the bottle down, her eyes staring down as she fiddles with the bottle between her fingertips.

"Such an avid reader, your sister."

"Oh yes. She's actually at home right now nose deep in Austen, drinking tea and having biscuits like the well behaved, literate girl she is." She looks up at me, smirking.

"Meaning she's skimming through a magazine with copious pictures as we speak." She looks straight ahead before she continues.

"I can see the latest addition now: _How to make leopard print work with everything, 101_." I laugh and accept the bottle being offered, pondering the thought.

"When I think about it, I don't think she's ever actually held a book, let alone read one."

"Ever? Not even at school?" I snigger at this as I take a swig of alcohol, trying to recount a time when she's ever held a book in her grasp.

"Nope. The books are either in her bag, locker or being held by some short-lived inane guy at college." I exhale, bringing the bottle to my lips again only to exhale sharply, shaking the bottle.

"It's empty."

"So is the room." I look to Naomi as I discard the bottle to the floor, questioning silently. She gestures with her hand.

"Effy's not here." I look around the bedroom and realise that Effy actually isn't here. I return my attention back to Naomi, trying to focus my eyes.

"When did that happen?"

"Fuck knows." She giggles slightly and turns from her front to lie on her back on the floor. I follow suit and lay down next her, my eyes inevitably drawn to her as I turn my head. She's so close and it's so nice, just being.

That is until the street door slams and a voice blares, disturbing the peace.

"Elizabeth, you-is that.. Is that weed?! Elizabeth Stonem, you better answer me!" I'm not sure if it's because of the weed but we remain on the floor, not really giving a shit. It's only when I hear heavy steps that I sit up, pulling Naomi with me.

"We've got to hide."

"You what? Why?"

"Quick!" I look around and see the gap underneath the bed; it's the closest thing that we have that will shelter us as I practically crawl underneath the bed.

"Get in here!" I whisper loudly, reaching out to Naomi who then moves forward.

"Fuck sake, Emily, this is ridiculous." She whines as she crawls under, lying next to me on the floor under the bed.

"Jesus, I'm too tall."

"Bend your legs then."

"Bend my legs? Oh sure, I'll _bend_ my legs as I lay on the floor _underneath_ a bed." She immediately falls silent when the bedroom door bursts open, just as she bends her knees and collides with my side, making me groan slightly on impact. She looks to me with her eyes wide open and I can see just how influenced she is. Her pupils are so dilated but I find myself focusing on the rings of blue, her sky irises of beauty - so enthralling. My attention gets interrupted when the figure stomps into the room, our heads turning to look at the feet as they move closer to us. A hand appears which causes me to draw in breath, as it reaches down and picks up the empty Vodka bottle. I feel the breath exhale from me rather noisily when the hand retreats, which causes Naomi to place her hand over my mouth, causing me to frown and shoot her an evil. I watch as Naomi bites her lip, sniggering slightly as she tries to hold back a chuckle. She continues to watch me, her shoulders shaking slightly as her hand slacks on my mouth. Oh no, she's going to laugh. I then raise my hand and clamp it over her mouth, which makes Naomi in turn glower slightly.

"Oh Elizabeth, what are you doing?" After a long moment of stillness she leaves and closes the door, walking around the house until her footsteps become faint. The street door slams behind her, leaving us in total silence once again. We remain motionless for a moment, our hands still on the other, until it just happens. Our hands drop and we laugh. We laugh and laugh and my god, fuck, I've not laughed so much in so long. It feels _so_ good.

"Fuck me, that was.." I can't even continue as I laugh again, doubling over, my face practically on the floor. Naomi must forget where she is because she lifts her head and hits the foundation of the bed, which makes me laugh even more.

"_Fuck_. Jesus, that.. I think that hurt."

"You _think?_" She rubs her head, her eyes looking to me, unsure.

"I think so." She then crawls out and sits on the floor, leaning back against the bed for support. I follow suit, the chuckles still with me.

"You're ditzy when high."

"Yeah, well, you're paranoid when you're high."

"And drunk."

"No, you're ador-I mean, you're.. Yeah, right. And drunk." She coughs a few times, turning her head away from me. Even in this state, I can tell what she was going to say. The chuckles cease as I lower my head, looking to the floor, a firm smile upon my lips. I can't refrain from asking.

"Adorable, eh?" I'm met with silence, which I suppose was to be expected, but I was hoping that she would at least either confirm or deny as such. After a long pause, I look up to see that Naomi is looking at me. We stare at each other for a moment and it's the most open I've seen her. She's so fucking gorgeous it makes my heart hurt, except I can't feel the pain anyway because I'm too goddamn high. But those lips, I bet I could feel those.

What the fuck am I thinking?

I close my eyes and shake my head, noting that I was just blatantly looking at her lips. I eventually open my eyes, and notice how the mirth has completely gone from her eyes, and replaced with something much deeper, something a lot more meaningful. I can't quite place it, but as her eyes lower to my lips and linger there; I can hazard a guess as to what.

I'm not sure who begins to lean in first, but it seems we're both aiming to reach the other, twisting out bodies so we can get closer, our eyes dithering from lips to eyes and eyes to lips, until we are so close I can feel her breath on my skin. I can smell her, I can feel her, I can-

"Interrupting, am I?" Naomi moves back first as I remain leaning forward, yearning for her presence to return so we can, so I can.. I gradually move back, resuming my stance against the bed frame. My eyes eventfully find Effy standing by the doorway, smoking a spliff.

"Your mum was here."

"Yeah, she does that." I frown at this answer, and find my patience lost, gutted that Effy stole a moment from me; a potentially happy moment that I could have shared with Naomi. I know Naomi wanted it to happen, I know it was real.

What am I thinking, of course it wasn't - it isn't.

I'm just some weird girl she had the misfortune of saving, she would rather be out with Cook kissing guys than be with me – than to _want_ me, especially now I'm tainted. I look down, suddenly aware of my body and what it's been through.

I'm just a victim in her eyes – she just pities me. I'm not _beautiful_. How could I have gotten this so wrong?

"We're going out."

"We are?"

"Yes, let's go."

"I don't want to." I bring my legs to my chest, not wanting to go.

"Eff, I'm gonna take Emily home."

"Suit yourself." The door softly clicks and we remain on the floor, unmoving. It's only when I feel the warmth of her hand that rests on my knee that I look up, and notice that Naomi is actually standing up. She shoots me a smile, but it's strained and doesn't reach her eyes.

"Come on, up you get." She grips my hand and pulls me up to my feet, which turn out to be rather unsteady. Her hand remains tentatively in mine as we stand there.

"You don't have to do this." When did my voice become so hoarse? It must be all the drink and spliff we consumed.

"I know."

"Really, you should go."

"Do you want me to?"

"Does it matter what I want?"

"Course it does, Emily." I disconnect my hand from hers and wrap my arms around my chest.

"Go with them, go have fun." She looks to me but I look away, not wanting to see her eyes anymore. I don't want her sympathy. I don't want to be treated like a baby. But, I am Emily, and by default, I'm the lesser one, aren't I? Always the hidden one, always the agreeable one, always the unlucky one – but no one seems to care. Nobody seems to even _notice._

For once I wish someone would _look_ at me, _for_ me.

"Emily.." When I don't respond, she sighs profoundly and shuffles out of the room with her belongings, her eyes looking back at me. But I remain firm, I remain still and I just remain here.

* * *

I'm not sure how long I stay for, just standing, swaying almost in a blur. Nothing feels right, and everything feels wrong. Its moments like these I feel like I have depression, yet I'm sure it's now been promoted with additional PTSD too. Just when I thought my life couldn't get any harder, shit like this happens. It's like I can only survive through the small windows of hope, like the one I experienced just moments before with Naomi. Those were moments I seem to be holding on to a lot longer these days as they seem to matter the most.

Fuck sake, what was I thinking? Clearly it's not a sympathy or pity thing, this is _Naomi_ we're talking about. Well, thinking about. She doesn't do feelings. She cares but she doesn't _do_ feelings_._ She would fuck off if she didn't want to hang around with me. There's no obligation there, no tether – well, except for the items she loans me, I suppose. Though it's not even, she pretty much said that herself. Those items are _mine_ now.

We're friends.

And I told her to leave.

Fuck.

I make my way out of the room, barely remembering to pick up my bag as I go. I make it out of the house, aware of how quiet it is – I can only hope it's like this when I get home. God knows I don't want to get into a conversation with my mum in this state – or ever. She'll never understand, or even listen to me. And any conversation with her consequently, is pointless. It's empty.

A lot like this house.

I exit the house, trembling slightly as I go as I feel the extent of tonight's activities hit me with the chill of the nightsky. Fuck, when did it get so late? I pull at my cardigan, feeling the biting weather creep up on me.

"Shit, no no no." I turn to the door which I closed, realising that I have forgotten my coat. Great one, Emily, really. Not only did you get rid of Naomi during a bout of insecurity, but you manage to lock yourself out without your coat with no way of getting back inside to get it.

"And this is why I stayed; a high Emily is a paranoid Emily.. Come on, let's get you home." I turn to see Naomi, only now registering her form near the gate, casually leaning against the small wall.

"You stayed."

"I stayed."

"I forgot my coat." She laughs at this, pushing herself away from the wall as I slowly walk down to her.

"Well, good thing I have one then, eh."

"No, I can't keep taking your coats."

"Why, you're making a habit of it." She says putting her bag down and taking off her coat, making sure I get my arms in and everything as she puts it on me. She picks up her bag as I adjust my bag under the coat.

"And besides, I've come to accept that you'll be taking them, so I came prepared." She says pulling out a hoodie. I can't help the small smile that attacks my lips as I watch her putting it on.

"You always have nice coats. Big, but nice."

"Normal size, they're big on you because you're a midget." She moves then, stepping onto the pavement but stops when she notices I'm not following. She sighs slightly, and actually looks a little remorseful as she struggles to look at me.

"You're not really a midget, just.. pocket sized." I can't help the smile that forms from hearing this, from hearing her speak to me this way. So hesitant and tender. She offers her hand to me, looking bashful and just so goddamn lovely as she stands under the gleaming light of the lamppost. She's like a fucking angel; a sarcastic opinionated seraph, but an angel nevertheless, for she needs no street light to illuminate her grace, as she does that all on her own.

What the heck is she doing to me?

I exhale a shaky breath and move forward, bringing my hand up to interlace my fingers with hers. Pressing our palms firmly together, she looks down at our hands, as if snapshotting the moment before returning her gaze to me, flashing that little smile of hers. We move then, awkwardly stealing glances from each other as we go.

"I like this." She smiles at my admission and looks to me, her eyes twinkling. She ducks her head and looks ahead at the pavement as I look down too, sporting my own smile.

"Likewise."


End file.
